the CAMP ENRON Report


CAMP ENRON:
... gateway to the next Progressive Era?

Some say it's nothing but a train wreck ... roll in the big cranes, clear the track, see what the crew's been smoking. If I thought so, I'd not be writing this ... and if they thought so, they'd not be drumming so hard.


For a brief orientation, see this
Welcome to Camp Enron

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Camp Enron Archives
01/01/2002 - 02/01/2002 02/01/2002 - 03/01/2002 03/01/2002 - 04/01/2002 04/01/2002 - 05/01/2002 05/01/2002 - 06/01/2002 06/01/2002 - 07/01/2002 07/01/2002 - 08/01/2002 08/01/2002 - 09/01/2002 06/01/2003 - 07/01/2003

NOTE to READERS:
(2) All "major" articles of older material have now been imported, some with updates worth perusing. We'll keep it all on the main page for a while, will add a few loose pieces of history, will trim the main page and index the archives for convenience later.


OUR DEPARTMENTS:

the COGENT PROVOCATEUR:
free agent, loose cannon, pointy stick ... taking an imposing analytic toolkit out of the box, over the wall and into the street ... with callous disregard for accepted wisdom and standard English

reading the tea leaves from original angles, we've led with uncannily prescient takes on the federal surplus, the dotcom crash, the "Energy Crisis", the Afghan campaign, the federal deficit.

More where those came from ... stay tuned.


For brief orientation, see this
Welcome to CP


CAMP ENRON:
... gateway to the next Progressive Era?

For a brief orientation, see this
Welcome to Camp Enron

OTHER GOOD STUFF:
Many thanks to Tony Adragna and Will Vehrs, still shouting 'cross the Potomac at QuasiPundit. Early Camp Enron material can be found in QP's Dispatches department.
Monday, July 15, 2002

 
--- FLASH: Bush Resigns; Coca Cola Tabbed 44th US President ---

Earlier today, in a rapid-fire succession of unprecedented constitutional maneuvers, Coca Cola Co. (NYSE symbol KO) replaced George W. Bush as President of the United States.

Bush had failed disastrously in a series of confidence-building efforts. "When G. W. Bush talks, people listen ... and sell, sell, sell" remarked one veteran money manager. A grassroots campaign had begun gathering steam, with anguished investors Fed-Ex'ing rolls of duct tape to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

At the same time, Coca "Coke" Cola -- now 44th President in US history -- seized the mantle of market leadership and moral authority with the announcement it would voluntarily expense stock options on the income statement.

The confluence of events left Bush politically bankrupt, with no viable options. Vice President Dick Cheney accepted a "golden parachute" buyout (said to include indemnity against certain contingent liabilities arising in conjunction with previous service as CEO of Halliburton Corporation) and was air-dropped into an undisclosed location. Coke was appointed VP as Cheney's replacement, and became President on receipt of Bush's letter of resignation.

Bush, announcing his resignation, said "I remember telling a reporter in Chicago how many times in the wee hours of the morning I looked myself in the mirror and thought 'the Coke Party is the way to go'." A chorus of Wall Street regulars murmured assent.

The firm's eligibility to hold office derives from the long-standing principle that a corporation enjoys all the 14th Amendment protections of a person under the law, and Coke's claim to origination as a "natural born" US enterprise over 35 years of age.

Any remaining objections to the "corporate presidency" were mooted when the Supreme Court, acting on its own motion, endorsed the arrangement by a 5 to 4 margin. Insiders indicate the die was cast following a frantic telephone conference between Justice Kennedy and his broker.

In its inaugural press release, Coke promised to reflate the bubble economy, promote recycling, and generally "make things go better".

Coke also began positioning itself for reelection, casting rival Pepsi/Britney ticket as the vanguard of moral depravity while chiding Phil "Pepsi Generation" Dusenberry's "Campaign for Freedom" public service announcements for their Big Brother overtones.

Treasury Secretary-designate (and Coke board member) Warren Buffett proclaimed "I'd like to buy the world a Coke, but gee, the budget's tight ... here, pass around a handful of these discount coupons". Buffett -- instrumental in Coke's "Real Thing" accounting initiative -- took the job after negotiating compensation in the form of convertible debentures which will pay handsome dividends, and could -- if the marked swings decisively in his direction -- leave Buffett with controlling interest in the United States of America, its Territories, and Possessions.

Boeing Co.(NYSE symbol BA) -- which has always expensed options on its income statements -- heralded today's developments, looking forward to appointment and confirmation as Secretary of Defense.

"Coke is it!" exclaimed enthusiastic partisans, "Always Coca Cola!".

At this writing, the position of Vice President stands vacant. Mountain Dew had been champing at the bit, but the Court determined the "as if" provisions of US law extend only to corporations -- not to brands.